The Lost Tribe of Who

By Scott Reddoch

When I became paralyzed, I didn’t have a tribe of people around me who knew the ins and outs of paralysis. Regardless of the situation, most don’t have the tribe that they truly need. In my situation, I had and continue to have an amazing group of people who are helping me during this difficult time. I have slowly met others who can relate to my injuries and my tremendous loss.

The first step in finding my tribe was for me to accept my new reality. I had a lot of emotions and wasn’t ready to start making new friends. I had a lot to unpack, and I thought that it was best to deal with that in my own way. I sorted out a lot of my emotions alone. I did seek the help of a mental professional. These things take time.

Some of the initial contact I had with doctors, nurses and therapists yielded good friendship. I had made new friends in them, not that they were in my situation, but that they offered me tremendous support and were empathetic to me. I’m very grateful that they were interested in friendship with me since I was terrible company. I wasn’t very agreeable and couldn’t see the value of pursuing a friendship with me.

Adaptive sports, meet up groups, and hobby groups all offer connections and opportunity for friendship, but are mostly out of reach for a person in my condition. I certainly cannot compete in sports, and being outdoors can present fatal challenges for me.

Social media has groups online that you will find are dedicated to specific situations. The virtual nature of social media, allows me to engage with others in similar conditions regardless of physical location. Online communities, like any community attract lots of different personalities, but I have found everyone to be friendly and supportive.

Many charity groups have websites (and often online communities) and can be a great source of information. When I was researching paralysis, some of the social media groups that I am part of were referenced, linked, or even partnered with the charities whose sites I was visiting. Most of the social media groups that I am a part of were first found on websites.

I reached out to a local charity to see if they could help me with a specific personal problem that I was trying to address. Not only did the charity create a solution to my issue, the founder asked for me to help out on a few projects. I hadn’t been asked my opinion in a while, and I felt like I was doing something worthwhile with what I had left.

Volunteering has done wonders for me. I consider myself lucky to have experienced the benefit that volunteering has made on my life. I have met some great people while volunteering, and it just feels good. There is more than just the good feeling associated with volunteering, it can release some great brain chemistry too.

By volunteering, many people (me included) activate the reward center in the brain. Activating the brain’s reward center releases dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins, this release of chemicals is commonly known as the “helper’s high.” A close sibling of the runner’s high, the helper’s high releases the same chemicals without the pesky running part.

Throughout my search, patience has played a big role. I am not a naturally patient person and am constantly learning to be more patient. Before I started this journey to find my tribe, I had to develop the patience to deal with my new reality. Once I sorted out my new reality, I needed patience to look for and develop relationships with the new people that I met. I have written about patience and I have been told by others that they feel that it is a very important trait in recovery.

I also had to get comfortable with the new way that I had social interaction. In the past most of my social networking was face to face, being online only took some “getting used to.” You can’t read the room online and like email, emotion is nearly impossible to gauge. However, there are some fantastic people to meet and thanks to the web, geographic location no longer presents a barrier.

Although it felt foreign and even a little fake at times, I kept an open mind. I am mostly an introvert and don’t form friendship as quickly as others. I mentioned before that this takes time. Social media friends can be the same as regular life friends. The same friend finding process exists in both social media and regular real life settings.

The way that I find friends is I look for people who have the same interests as me, if I can also tolerate their personality, they become a good candidate for friendship. Friend finding is not a difficult task, most of us have been finding friends for most of our lives.

Finding “my tribe,” has allowed me to foster relationships into a network of social support. A social network that benefits my mental health, and the mental health of those I meet.

People matter. Even an introvert like me needs some people in their life. I spoke about fostering relationships and how having a social network helps my mental health, but how?

For me, the biggest benefit to finding my tribe was the reduction of isolation and loneliness. It’s pretty well known that loneliness can contribute to anxiety and depression. Having a tribe gives me a sense of belonging, and helps me see that I’m not the only one with problems.

My second favorite benefit is less stress. Let me say that my being in a tribe doesn’t remove stress, but helps me cope with it better. Tribe members can offer emotional support and reassurance, which can limit stress’s effects.

The last obvious benefit that I will mention is more resilience. When something gets me down, I have people who encourage me, and one who should be a motivational speaker who gives some fiery pep talks.

I have given my 3 favorite mental health benefits of finding my tribe. There are many benefits to having a social network and different people benefit from different things. I encourage everyone to find their tribe. You will discover that others will enrich your journey, we don’t need to face life alone.