By Scott Reddoch
People are full of surprises. Never in a million years did I expect some of my close friends to run from my wheelchair. But the universe has a way of balancing things. Several old friends stepped up and breathed life back into withered relationships.
The close friends I lost weren’t trying to trick me. It’s just that I was needed more than wanted. In other words, no use, why bother?
In their defense, that probably went both ways. The relationships were hollow. Not to be confused with shallow or superficial. The latter implies there is more there. Hollow means nothing is there.
For instance, one person I felt close to simply quit contacting me. We went to lots of dinners together, some concerts, a few basketball games. I was the emergency contact at his kid’s school. He always said if the going got tough that he and his family would come live with me.
He sent a few messages at first and then quit replying in a few weeks. My rule is no response three times in a row and I stop reaching out.
I didn’t think breaking contact would happen as quickly as it did. I wasn’t rude or insulting to anyone.
I think people kept me around because I am friendly and humorous. I’m also 6’2″ so I get to move heavy things a lot. I have both residential and commercial builder licenses, so I was always being asked to look at home problems.
Being paralyzed and non-verbal, I only communicate through email or DMs on social media. I’m not able to use a phone.
Bad news travels fast and far. People I hadn’t heard from in years contacted me and gave their support. A few contacted my mother to find out how to get in touch with me. What else can you say? “I’m so sorry, I heard what happened.”
I still keep in weekly touch with most of them.
The ones who stayed were the relationships where I had been the real me. I had been vulnerable and imperfect. That’s the difference between real and hollow. Deep connections withstood the test.
Showing the real me was just being an imperfect person with fears and desires and frustration when my plans don’t work.
I guess the shock of the whole thing is the reality that a lot of the lost relationships are mirrors or products of what was put in them. I was using the friendship for what it did for me.
I didn’t look for hollow friendships. It’s been said that what you allow continues. That is much clearer when something is harmful, but I find it difficult to spot hollow.
What I do to avoid it is create deep relationships. Ones that are authentic and vulnerable. Those are the ones that last.
When I saw a lot of my friendships fall away, I realized they were hollow because I hadn’t done anything to make them any different.
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